Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Trust and rest

I've hesitated posting much about Abby lately for many reasons, but the Lord has been teaching me some things I think I should share.  It's hard to describe how things have been simply because it changes from day to day.  Depending on her comfort, or lack thereof, and the state of my heart in the midst of difficult days I often lose the words to say.

I think I have learned to compartmentalize.  To place certain hurtful or difficult things into neat little places in my brain where I can retrieve them if asked, separating my emotions from said retrievals.

Maybe it was a skill I learned while working as a nurse.  Taking care of real women and real babies, who often experience real problems during labor and delivery.  Removing my fear and emotions during a stressful situation in order to think clearly and care for that person appropriately.  Or maybe it's just my way of coping with memories that hurt, but still have to be dealt with because their effects still linger in my sweet girl.

There are so many longings I have for her.  Longings to see her free from struggle, free from pain and discomfort.  I find myself striving to fulfill these longings in any way I can-- worrying and fretting seem to help.  Stifling tears and plowing ahead also tend to keep me going.  But then the occasional day arrives when I find myself exhausted and tearful, letting my mind wander to those hidden places I'd rather forget.  Fearful of the future full of dark unknowns.

My faithful Father finds me in those moments.  He leads me to a new place, mostly unfamiliar.  A place of rest and trust.

We are doing a Beth Moore women's Bible study at church and my heart is deep in search of Him!  I'm so thankful for the Lord's ways of guiding me back to His word.

Isaiah 30:15

"This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says: 'In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength'..."

Instead of striving to fix Abby's problems and struggles (which include my own), many of which no one sees but me and my heavenly Father, I'm learning to find rest in Him.  It brings a season of trust in His love for her-- and for me.

Isaiah 30:18

"Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; He rises to show compassion.  For the Lord is a God of justice.  Blessed are all who wait for Him!"

Waiting... not my strong-suit.  Learning to be quiet before Him... also not my first choice.  Trust... definitely something He is working on, in me.

With Abby's 14th surgery looming ahead, I'm both anxious and full of peace-- if that's really possible.  Anxious knowing the risks involved, desperate for a sure solution to her discomfort.  At peace because we have given her over to the Lord countless times before.  Regardless of the outcome, and this is hard to say, He is faithful to her.  He is faithful to me.

My prayer for this year has been to have new eyes to see what my heavenly Father sees.  Eyes to see beyond what I'm looking at today.  I want to gain His vision.  I recognize how shortsighted I am-- blind really.

1 comment:

Christy Younger said...

Oh, Paba- thank you for sharing your heart so beautifully... Those verses were amazing, and so is our God. I love you all and miss you tons.