Processing...

We've been home for a few days now and I feel like I've just begun to process the events of the past 2 weeks.  The only way I'm able to do that now is to allow my mind to revisit small moments of memory and dwell there long enough to let the sadness settle.

Tearful visits with Papa.
Weeping together with my husband.
Hugging family when the tears won't come
Finding Abby in a full blown prolonged seizure.
Feeling fear of her outcome.
Riding in yet another ambulance.
Seeing concern in her doctor's face.
Watching her continue to seize well over an hour.
Holding her hand through the 10th IV stick.

I can't dwell in these places very long before my various coping mechanisms take over... busyness mostly.

laundry.  dishes.  diapers.  school work.  seizure meds.  therapy.

In the middle of it all my Jesus speaks to me.  Mostly through music.

"When you think you've hit the bottomand the bottom gives wayand you fall into a darknessno words can explainand you don't know how you'll make it out aliveJesus will meet you there.
When the doctor says, "I'm sorry,we don't know what else to do."and you're looking at your familywondering how they'll make it through...Whatever road this life takes you down,Jesus will meet you there.
He knows the way to wherever you areHe knows the way to the depths of your heartHe knows the way cuz he's already beenwhere you're goingJesus will meet you there.
When the sunlight comes and your world's still dark,Jesus will meet you there.

When you realize the dreams you've hadfor your child won't come truewhen the phone rings in the middleof the night with tragic news...Whatever valley you must walk through,Jesus will meet you there.
He will meet you there.
Jesus will meet you there."
(pause ipod at page bottom to play song below)
Steven Curtis Chapman: partial "Jesus will meet you there" (Beauty Will Rise)

Jesus met us in these dark, lonely, scary places.  He sent caring hospice staff to help.  He assigned a wonderfully caring ER doc to Abby.  He gave my mom to us!  She sat with Abby in ICU at Children's while we were saying good-bye to Sammy. My sister came to sit with us in the ER... such a comfort. We were surrounded by family who jumped in to help in so many ways.  He gave us two precious little boys who made us smile through our tears.  He sent our familiar NICU chaplain to visit Abby... haven't seen each other in 8 years.

He sent precious friends to the funeral to show support!  Notes, cards, emails, phone calls, flowers and meals delivered with love.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Even as we see the effects of Abby's prolonged seizure and feel the void of not having Papa with us anymore... we have hope.  Hope that Jesus will bring beauty from the ashes.  Hope that there is more to this life than what we can see.

We have hope for the future.  Last week we received news that our Dossier was on it's way to China!  The promise of new life in our home.  We are thankful.